Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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