yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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