I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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