Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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