So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
