Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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