so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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