By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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