I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
