I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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