I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
