Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
