I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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