My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Randomize