dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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