I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
