then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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