He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
