my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.