No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
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