The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.