Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
