Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
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If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.