I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
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Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT