Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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