The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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