meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
