last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
