oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
