The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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