i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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