Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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