i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
