omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She needs sedatives and a leash
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
