toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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