I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
