I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
