wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
