I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
