Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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