it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
