Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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