yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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