I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
