god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
