I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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