rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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