3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
