either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
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No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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