she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Holy shit dude........stairs
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