My room smells like vodka and shame
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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