I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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