hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
