i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
