if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
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