Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
