It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
