Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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