checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Randomize
