It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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