just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
