I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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