i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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