He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
