Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
