The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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